There isn’t a woman in this world who hasn’t felt like she is being ignored by her partner at one time or another. “Honey could you please take out the trash?” or “Honey could you clean up after yourself?” Sound familiar? While I understand that the frustration that comes from being ignored is a strong and viable source of anger, the kind of result that it should merit is questionable. Sure the principle of his listening to you is a huge issue, but we can’t ignore the value of the way we respond.

One day my fiancé and I were at one of my relative’s house and I asked him to grab me a napkin. He was so immersed in conversation that he either ignored or pretended to ignore my repeating request. Finally when I was to the boiling point I jumped up from the table, grabbed the napkin for myself and proceeded to tell my man how oblivious he is, as well as a few other choice words. When I had finished my tirade and looked around I realized that everyone had stopped their conversations and been watching me awe struck. Thinking I had just fought the good fight I stormed from the room and went outside to cool off. Shortly after my mother came outside with firmness in her eyes and in her tone as well. She said “Stephanie after all I have taught you and all the years I’ve loved you I’ve never known you to be that kind of person. When did you become the kind of person who feels the need to humiliate others to make yourself feel better?”

I didn’t see the value in what she was telling me initially, I was actually angry at her as well. As I phoned a few close girl friends to vent about the occurrence I realized that the more I told the story the more senseless it seemed. I came to realize that maybe I was a little oblivious myself and that my reaction was not a reflection on him but a reflection on me and who I have become. Since this experience I have tried to work on myself as much as I try to improve my man’s listening skills. As a result we have fought less and he actually listens more. The following are five tips I have used (though not always fool proof) that have helped avoid repeat occurrences.

1. Choose your battles- This notion is a popularly used saying that is effective if you really think about it. Is it worth it to have a huge argument over the remote control or the grabbing of a napkin?

2. Listen as you would like to be listened to- Sure, some men may have a tendency to not listen, but how many times have we turned off the volume as they go off on some irrelevant story about one of their interests? We have to recognize that some things that seem irrelevant to us are important to them and vice versa.

3. Try to avoid escalating terms- As tempting as it is to unload every obscenity you know when your man really angers you, try to keep your language in check. Using cuss words only makes the situation more intense and increases the likely hood of verbal abuse turning into something physical.

4. Recognize your faults as well- When arguing I find it important to recognize and take responsibility for certain aspects that I could have done better. This concession makes the atmosphere one that sounds less like you sounding off from your high horse and more like a partner who wants to work things out.

5. Be sure to have these conversations in private- There are times when you may not have any fault in the matter and your man is just being stupid. For these times you should be able to vent your feelings, but DO NOT, under any circumstance let it become a public screaming match. Humiliating him and tearing at his pride in front of people is not going to make him understand your point, it will just make him go on the defensive. Your momentary freak out says much more about you then it does about him. If you have to unleash hell, wait till you get home, and even then try to practice rationality.